Moccacinaur

Only if you give a little empathy and care enough about me, a little just enough, a tiny space in your heart, about me. 12/01/25 it's 3.16am, too early or too late because i haven't sleep since yesterday at 3am, so basically 24 hours awake. and here still crying. i couldn't tell even more.  thought it was the battle within yourself when actually there's another someone you care more than me. it's hurting when you cannot be honest about who am i and how we've been through almost this whole year. It feels like you're trying to get her trust back, trying to do something so she won't leave you while you will never defend me like that to anyone.  so sad that you really turn your back on me.  so it was all nothing and i took it personal, i mean after months. i losing mind about who is responsible for this, who to blame. is it me? it is. i fall to deep that i still hoping it can be mutual, one day it's mutual. no it's not that actually you never wish mo...

 mah since i don't know where to talk so aku ceritain disini. kemarin aku libur kerja karna memang minta request, jadi aku planning ke perpusnas buat ngerjain tugas magang, i put on my best clothes and give some pretty touch. my hair smell so good, my parfume smell incredible, cantik banget. and i hope that pulangnya aku bisa ketemu seseorang. huftt tapi dia ga balas chat aku padahal dia online terus. denial lagi dengan percaya bahwa mungkin dia cape makanya gamau ketemu. hehe padahal aku tau sih mah kalo dia selalu ketakutan kalo aku pengen ketemu dia. pasti dia mikir udah terlanjur deket sama aku dan malah jadi takut kalo ditinggalin, tapi gamau ketemu sering sering juga karna emang ga cinta hahahaha. kasian banget anak kecil mamah. tapi yauda lah, suatu saat kalo dia gabisa berusaha untuk pasangan, aku juga mungkin bisa buat dia semakin percaya kalo manusia itu ngecewain dan suatu saat aku bisa ninggalin dia juga. anywayy, aku masih sama mah, ada di fase takut kalau ganti hari d...

 kadang aku duduk diam terus nangis, aku ingat enny, aku ingat siska, semua rahasia dan jalan hidup kita di titik terendah cuma aku dan mereka yang tau. kita kubur dan sembunyikan dalam dalam. teman temanku yang paling mau aku bahagia in

   mah aku kaya gini karna kurang duit aja, coba kalo banyak. instead of ngarepin cowo mending aku keliling dunia. cowo gila ya mah, suami mamah aja ninggalin, ih geleuh bgt. dasar miskin, mokondo, bapaku ini mengajarkan cowo memang menjijikan. memang benar, jangan tersinggung kalo baca ini, cewe butuh bukti, bukan perlu nanggepin bapermu itu,jijik

  Trying to focus while grieving is hard cause at any random moment your brain reminds you that they really died and that you will never see them again.    On some random days i really fall into my head banging why people do that to me. i really don't deserve that. Di hari-hari dimana aku duduk terenyuh dan mikir coba aja mereka bisa rasa apa yang aku rasain. apakah mereka sanggup, with some people, i mean you know my background, you know who i am, you know where i came from but why you do that to me. why you left me, why you do me dirty. but i can't talk about this with people so i just pour everything here. i really missed you mom, this world is so cruel mom. mah aku hidup seperti pengemis. saking kehilangan mamah aku coba cari cari kasih sayang di orang lain. aku ga nemu. gaada yang sebaik mamah ternyata, dalam bayangan ku bahwa ada orang yang baik yang mau nerima aku ternyata gaada mah. aku coba tebal muka, pura pura kuat, pura pura bisa balas mereka like how they tre...

     Gaada kesempatan buat istirahat selain sakit. But once fever kaya gini sedihnya adalah ingat mama. Waktu pulang kampung penguburan mama, ade sepupu cerita waktu aku sakit dan masuk rs, mama marahin semua orang di rumah dan jadi emosional bgt. Karna sejujurnya dia khawatir banget tapi gabisa berbuat apa apa karna aku jauh. I miss her so much